Love hurts version C
by Elebridith
Summary: Chapter 3 - It's winter now. How does Jess feel about his lost relationship now? This is the last 'version' in the Love Hurts series. I pick up the story lines on the show but mainly I write the evolution in Jess' and Rory's thinking. Past season 3.
1. Autumn in New York

**Disclaimer: **my name is NOT Amy Sherman-Palladino therefore I do not own a single thing related to Gilmore Girls, except from what comes from my own imagination.

**Chapter 1**: Autumn in New York

Autumn is not my favourite season but I can't not like it. I especially like the warm, sunny, sparkling autumn days. The ones where you want to run and scream that the world's so god damn beautiful. Because all the trees have these warm yellow, funky orange and deep red colours that brightens you, the street, the city, the world. Even I can feel it. You walk around with a smile and sit on a bench in the park in the sun for lunch. Last vitamins before the winter and a natural light therapy. You try to drawn your brain in the light, to suck it all up and put it away so you can recall it on those coming, cold, even darker winter days.

A good second thing I like about autumn are the days which are bright, but just a tiny cold and misty. It rained all night and when you go for a run or a walk in the nearest park or woods, you can just smell the earth. It's a bit rotten but at the same time it smells like life. It's a smell you always associate with autumn, a smell that always remember you of some autumn experience, a smell you never forget.

Of course, there are also another kind of autumn days. Days were everything is grey, sombre and dark. But they also have their up sides… on those dark days every light is something special. The lamp in your room spreads a much more yellow and friendly light and you get this cosy feeling. Lighting some candles is just not the same at the beginning of autumn than at any other time. It's much warmer, more meaningful. It can make you want to make a little nest on your coach, with loads of soft cushions and warm blankets and a hot soup or coco and a good book or movie. And someone to keep you company. Because you just don't want to be alone on those sombre days. Because if you are alone on a day like that you get stuck in your thoughts and you'll end up in a massive melancholic mood. Like the one I'm having right now.

It's this feeling that overrules me, I have nothing to say about it: it just takes over my body and at some point it disappears again. Luckily, this is not the first time it happens so I don't panic and I don't get to lost in it, otherwise I would end up depressed. I just let it happen… this nagging, longing feeling has come over me. The feeling like everything was much better before and I just want to go back to those days.

Those days with her.

It's my own fault really but at the same time: I couldn't help it. I had to get out (I wasn't allowed to stay anyway), I had to get to know Jimmy (one word: disappointment), I just had to know.

As it turned out t be: California didn't really suit me: too sunny, too shallow, too much bikini's, too much fakeness. Jimmy didn't suit me either. We tried for like two months but we didn't get along. Too much expectations we both couldn't fulfil I guess. Sasha and Lily being there didn't exactly help either. They tried, of course they did, but it didn't work out. There were rules, fights, tears… and I left to the one place I knew the best: New York. I knew my way around the city, I liked the anonymity. I could disappear, almost literally. I disappeared every day in millions of people who didn't see me, who didn't know me, who didn't remember me and who certainly didn't care about me. I picked up some jobs to pay for a lousy apartment. I restored contact with my mom just in case I needed money. She met yet another guy. 'This one is different'. They all were. Although I must say she's doing great: she seems happy, has this weird job with jewellery… as long as she doesn't end up beaten up or broke, it'll all be fine.

It seems like I was doing good and in a way I was. But the remembrance of what once was but isn't anymore kept running around my brain. There were times, like this one right here, right now, that I miss her. I miss running my hand through her hair. I miss staring into her wonderful sparkling stunningly blue eyes. I miss joking around and seeing her smile. I miss her scent, I miss her voice, I miss her touch. I simply deeply miss her. It's my fault, I left her behind, I didn't say goodbye. But I couldn't. I couldn't say goodbye but I also couldn't stay.

Thinking about that makes me sad… makes me realize what I gave up, what I threw away for yet another impulse. Thoughts keep swirling in my head. But thinking it through for many many many times made me realize that I wasn't always entirely the bad guy. I wasn't the only one who makes mistakes and I'm certainly not the only one to blame.

Did she ever try to contact me? Luke very well knew where I was, my email address hasn't changed… I didn't exactly disappear, just one question to one person and she could've known. I've heard from many sources I hurt her deeply… but if she wanted to be with me, if she really did want that, than why didn't she try? She just gave up on me, just like everybody always does. I guess it's hard to not let you be leaded by prejudices, but it's even harder when your name is Rory Gilmore and you want to please everyone alive.

Thinking about that makes me mad. Mad at her. I've done a lot of things wrong, I won't deny that… but for once, I am not the only one. Or rather, now I realise I'm usually not the only one. Rory the Princess isn't all that perfect you know. But she has this privileged status she doesn't realize, which I didn't either, until I saw the whole picture clear one day. It struck me like a thunderbolt. At first I tried to deny it, thinking: not Rory, not the pure, nice, sweet, smart, beautiful girl I know. It can't be her. It's me, I'm evil. Everyone's always saying that, even when they don't know me… so if everyone's thinking it, it must be true right? Maybe it even became true like some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. But after a while I realised: I was just as brainwashed as everyone else in that freaking little suffocating place they call Stars Hollow. I've always known they were a bunch of freaks. I was right about Rory and I had to stop thinking about her in a worshipping kind of way. She just didn't deserve it.

Since I had seen this, I wondered how I didn't see it before. How Rory didn't have to take responsibility for her actions and nobody ever blamed her. How people had to take all the initiative because God forbid she would ever have a single, original thought instead of going with the flow. Although it wouldn't matter because they would follow anything she does and praise her like she cured cancer. How she doesn't have to make the hard decisions in life. There's always someone there to whisper it in her ear. And than fully pretend she did it all on her own. It's a pity though, she is rather smart. But it's true, she doesn't have an own opinion, she doesn't have an edge, she's plain, smooth and actually quite boring.

Since I realised that, my life could finally go on.

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**PS** What do you guys think? Please don't hate me for making Jess so angry toward Rory BUT I do think people don't question her enough. Also keep in mind this is actually happening before season 4… so a lot has yet to come! 


	2. Autumn at Yale

**Disclaimer: **I'm in college – so I can't possibly own anything related GG except for my own thoughts about it.

**Chapter 2**: Autumn at Yale

Autumn is not my favourite season but I can't not like it. Especially when it's rainy and clouded, when you can smell the rotting earth and the mush rooms, then I like it the most. It's no weather to go outside and do something so for once I don't have to justify reading in my bed or on the couch, underneath some blankets whilst leaning against some of the softest cushions with a pencil and some coffee within reach.

Right now this season suits me. I'm still on the edge of getting over my last boyfriend so I find myself many times staring into space, thoughts and remembrances of us still lingering inside me. Occasionally I find myself longing for him. But the occasions where that happens become more rare and shorter in time. It's good... It's a good thing. It's a good thing I'm almost over him. But I'm not quite over him yet… so here I am, feeling alone, scared and vulnerable.

I'm at Yale. I always wanted to go to college but I really underestimated the impact of it. Living alone, doing laundry, making sure I eat. And than of course there is Yale itself. The buildings that send these ancient, almost holy vibe. When you're walking around Yale, alone and when there aren't many people on campus, it can really give you the creeps. The people at Yale are also different – they are all smart, they all had the best grades (and the money to pay the tuition) – every single one of these people is my equal. I'm not the primus any longer. The wok load is enormous, the demands high and the competition strong. Sometimes, I just sit on my bed and cry, because more and more I get the feeling I can't handle it. That has never ever happened to me before… and I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't really go to someone to talk about it: Paris is just too busy with professor Flemming, my mom would try to cheer me up by saying I will be fine and that I'm smart enough... exactly the two things I doubt the most at the moment. I miss someone I could share anything with, who really listens and gives decent advice.

Once I had someone like that…

But he left. He left me. He left me all alone without telling. As usual. Everyone always said I couldn't count on him, that he was trouble, that he would treat me bad. Turns out they were right… although I haven't yet figured out whether they were right because they saw it happening or that they were right because he just handled like they wanted him too. It's hard to believe Jess would let someone push him in some sort of direction… but it was all so subtle. It was never said out loud. And we all are under the influence of society. Why do we want to be thin, with flat tummies and no cellulite? Why do we want that kind of jacket, that pair of shoes? Because it's fashion, because otherwise people would make fun of you… Maybe, in a very subtle way, the town's opinion about Jess made it come true, like some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. They all had his prejudices about him, but as a matter of fact: nobody knew anything about him. Including me. Even Luke didn't.

We knew he was sent to Stars Hollow by his mom who was busy and couldn't handle him. He got in some kind of trouble, therefore he is trouble all the way. We never knew what kind of trouble? He ditched school? He stole some cd's? He robbed a liquor store? Who knows anyway?

But maybe the problem didn't lie with Jess, but with Liz. Which isn't really hard to believe, she wouldn't have been able to handle me. Of course, Jess isn't exactly the nice, polite, perfect son-in-law. He didn't always behave that well but what would you be like if you moved from New York to Stars Hollow? No wonder he did some pranks, nothing ever happens in Stars Hollow… of course he was angry and cynical: your own mother sent you away! To live with an uncle! In a small, crazy town!

I sighed. It was really confusing to think about it. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Was I defending him? Was I making up excuses so I didn't have to face all the bad things he'd done? And what did it mean, that I did this? My mind was going around and around and around… it drove me crazy…

I didn't get to say goodbye. We never called after that last time when I said I might have loved him. I'm really certain that I didn't just 'might' have loved him. I had loved him, deeply. I loved him too much. Maybe I scared him away… with all my love. He's a free bird, maybe he'd feel suffocated? I had so many questions… and so many fantasies about when we would see each other again. In one fantasy I would flow into his arms and forgive him instantly, in another one I would make a terrible scene and telling him all I've been though because of him. I wondered what he would say, or what he would do… Would he say 'I'm sorry?' Would he ignore me? What if I was in a terrible accident, would he come and visit me? What if I got cancer and I was really ill and I would ask people to come to me to say goodbye. Would he come if I invited him? Would I invite him… rationally I couldn't think of any reason why, but I couldn't imagine not inviting him… not ever seeing him again… But it was very likely that was going to be the case though…

I've been over this before. Many times before. I've been thinking about it all summer, in Europe. Especially at night, lying in a strange bed in a strange country with strange food, toilets and another language. I missed him like crazy. I missed his arms round me. I missed staring in his warm yet mysterious eyes. I missed kissing him. I missed his hugs, his smile, his attitude when he was reading and didn't know I was watching. I missed wanting him. I missed him. I couldn't help it. Sometimes, my body ached from all the missing… and the disappointment when I thought I saw him but as it turned out, I never did. In Italy this was hard. Men there have really similar attitudes and looks… Thank God we didn't visit that country until the last week. I don't think I could've handled it.

I find myself staring out of the window, my head in my hands, watching the rain pouring down. It's a dark day, a down day. I don't put on the lights in my room and I just keep staring out of the window, thinking nothing in particular. I just let myself be… I feel dark and down. The weather has certainly something to do with that. I don't mind though. I'm quite calm. It's been a long time since I've been calm. I had months of raging feelings through my body. You really know you're alive than, but I definitely enjoyed the peace and quiet inside of me right now.

Maybe it would all be okay one day… but until then I just had to hang in there. Not give up Yale. I would make some friends eventually. When I was ready. But right now, I just couldn't get myself to go out there, to be vulnerable to critic of people who don't know me at all. And I definitely wasn't ready to date… yet. I've had had enough for a while, enough emotional suffering, enough boy trouble, enough tears. But I was strong. One day, I'll be fine. I just hope this day will come soon…

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Review please! 


	3. Winter in New York

**Disclaimer: **don't own it. Wish I did though… the sentence 'isn't that ironic, don't you think?' is part of the chorus of the song 'Ironic' by Alanis Morrisette.

**A/N**: For the time references: in my mind Jess left Rory at the beginning of May. The autumn parts were at the end of September/ the beginning of October. Now it's the beginning of February (but Valentine's day hasn't passed yet)

**Chapter 3**: Winter in New York

I like winter. It's cold, harsh, all plants are acting to be dead just to survive (Isn't that ironic? Don't you think?). It can be gray and cloudy for days, with a cold wind that freezes your ears and nose of. But it can also be bright. A fierce blue sky, a shining sun but freezing like hell. At those times you can smell the ice in the rarefied air. And than of course there's snow… it can be very wet, like rain, but I can also be very heavy. Than the world gets so quiet… it's like a miracle. The snow takes all the sound of the world and silences it, so that people become more aware of it... or at least that's what I'd like to think.

Unfortunately, whenever it snows, I get reminded of her. The girl with the long, brown hair and the bright, blue eyes. There were times when her eyes were just as fierce as a cold winter sky. I used to stare in them and lose all track of time. I'd drawn in them, I'd see the world and the stars and her life in them. No other part of her body could tell me so much as her eyes.

It's behind me though. I moved on. It's been 10 months now… these past few months haven't been easy but with the shift from autumn to winter, I realised I was thinking less and less about her, that it hurt less. I didn't have to cry anymore, I didn't sat for my windows just staring into nothing for hours and hours and hours. Those days lay behind me. Rory wasn't an issue for me anymore. It was done, in the past, finito, next!

Or not really next… I still couldn't get myself to date. I didn't find any women who were attractive in my eyes. Now that I knew what a real relationship was like, I didn't want a stupid fling with some bimbo. I wanted something real… and I would try very hard not to screw it up this time, that's for sure!

My mom would surely like to see me with a girl. She never knew about Rory. She wasn't around when it happened and I don't feel the urge to tell her, although we have grown towards each other since we started calling each other a couple of times a week. Still, if she knew, she would probably kick my ass back to Stars Hollow to apologize. I don't want that… not because I don't want to apologize, but I can't handle a confrontation with Rory. Yet. I hope… but maybe I'll never see her again… it would be weird to never see her again. But I can't really do anything about that, could I? Yeah, I could go to Stars Hollow or Yale… but then what? In Stars Hollow they would chase me with reek forks in their hands, screaming to never come back and when I'm running far far away over the hills they would build a party because I'm never coming back. And I don't want to go to Yale… too confronting… besides, she can also come to me… People know where I am…

I started calling Luke once a week also. He was there for me. I didn't get it then… and I certainly didn't appreciate it. But I'm a loner, I like to be left alone, read, listen to music… I don't like to be pushed around. I realize that I must undergo some sort of influence from society… even reacting against an influence is an influence of course. Life's complicated.

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Luke stole my car! I can't believe it… the hypocrite! He talks to me and mentions nothing about it… yeah of course, I didn't ask him about it but how would I know he would do something like that? I can't fucking believe it! It's outrageous! What did I ever do to him? I never stole from him, although I easily could have. We didn't do much talking but I never bothered him. I didn't even make fun of him with Nicole… jeez! I'm out of breath from running to the bus. All the way from New York to Stars Hollow I'm boiling inside. I can't remember the last time I was this angry with someone. I've even never been angry with Luke. Really angry that is. As a teenager I was angry all the time. But that doesn't count, it was a pose, a way of handling things… but this really gets me over the top. I did NOT deserve this! I just didn't! I needed that car to work. Thanks to Luke I lost my job! Thanks Luke, thank you so much for your unwanted and undesired intervention in my life! I felt disgusted… I couldn't believe I ever thought he wanted the best for me! 

And then suddenly I got it. Luke hid my car because he didn't want me to work but go to school. It was his kinda primitive way to let me do the right thing. The right thing from his perspective that was. I felt I was getting angry again. But deep down, I knew it was the right thing, graduating… going from nobody to somebody. Everybody had to live the American dream. He had been right also, Luke… I would never tell him that, of course, but I knew he was. I don't really like who I am now… picking up some jobs, having this apartment that's on the edge of falling apart. I don't get close to anyone though, nobody tells me what to do, I'm free! But I'm also alone. Not that I need or like that many people or that I need to have 'm around me but still… someone to talk to, someone to take care of and give care to. I miss that. Although I realize that it would come with a great deal of compromises. I don't know if I'm willing to do that, yet. But still… yeah I could talk to Luke and to my mom. I could even try T.J. (uh I don't think so!) but it's not the same is it. They're not there when you're ill or sad or had a bad day. I can call them but you never know if you're interrupting.

I got lost in thought for a while, while I was staring outside the window. I was going back to Stars Hollow. I never thought I would see it again. I'm just going to pick up the car. Not that I need it or can afford it. I don't even know in what shape it is. It stood still in some garage for two years. That can't cause too much damage can it? But I have to come and get the car. It's a matter of principle. It belongs to me, I owe it! It kinda scared me when I thought that. Never knew I was that much of a capitalist. But you can't avoid an influence from society I guess.

Back to Stars Hollow. Back to Rory… oh well, with some luck I wouldn't run into her. Just taking the car, not a word to Luke, not even to Liz. I'll talk to her on the phone. Luke can call me. I don't know if I would answer though. The sneaky bastard, stealing my car!

Rory… it was weird thinking about her. I was calm about it, I spent months feeling sad about not being with her, but time heals… especially when you want to forget. I thought about it too intense for too long… it's done now. It's over. I know that, I get that. Still, I have some regrets. Things I should've said, things I should've done. Things I realized when it was too late. Like that I love her. Or had loved her… or had been in love with her. I realized it a couple of weeks ago, it kinda hit me. I was knocked out for a couple of days. I couldn't concentrate, I didn't know what tp do. I thought I was forgetting about her, I thought I was over it. It took me a while to realize that this discovery meant that I wasn't over her. I was, it's just… at some point in time, I really did love her, and I had been in love with her. That was in the past though, right where it should be.

Still I couldn't help it wondering how is she doing? How's Yale? How does she look?

Maybe I would find out… maybe I wouldn't. We entered Stars Hollow. 'Here I come!'

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To be continued…. sorry that the updates take so long but I really got a lot of work to do... 


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